Feedback: XSandPiper78[at]aol.com
Category: Mulder/Other, Scully/Other, MSR
Spoilers: None (At least, nothing significant)
Classification: S, A
Rating: NC-17
Feedback: That would be much appreciated! Still learning here,
so feedback helps. PiperSargasso@aol.com.
Disclaimer: The characters within belong to Chris Carter,
Twentieth Century Fox and Ten-Thirteen Productions. The
publication “Sex and the City” by Candace Bushnell belongs to
Warner Books and HBO. No infringement is intended.
Summary: I know heartbreak.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know heartbreak. At first it feels like the air has been sucked
violently from your lungs. You can’t breathe to save your
pathetic soul. Following closely are the inexplicable bouts of
nausea, threatening to double you over.
Next comes the inevitable feeling of general wretchedness,
inadequacy overwhelming your senses as you doubt everything
you stand for, everything that you are about. You become a
shadow of yourself, knowing with absolute certainty that
nothing and no one will ever be the same.
The colors of nature, that once seemed so brilliant, fade. The
world around you feels dirty, tarnished and jaded. Decay and
misery surround you like a blanket where you oddly find your
first moments of comfort. It envelops you in a grim way,
soothing the ache ever so slightly and assuring that, finally, you
are not alone.
The rain is welcome in ways that you never imagined, beating
mercilessly on your soul-weary body. It cleanses the tears –
God, the bitter, remorseful tears – and cradles you in its icy
embrace.
I know heartbreak intimately. It enshrouds your very essence
and drains away the will to live. The barren bitterness nature
bestows upon you is a gift, one which you cleave to desperately.
It’s a comfort because it lets you know where you rank in the
scheme of things, that you are here to simply procreate and die.
There’s a coldness to the world that promises you that you are
less than nothing, that there are no certainties and that
eventually, you will die.
That in time, no one will grieve and you will be forgotten.
I cling to this knowledge, taking consolation wherever I can get
it, relieved that one day the misery will cease. I’ll never have the
courage to take my life, to rebel against the preconceived notion
of retribution that has been drilled into my head since
childhood. But I do welcome it, hope for it, reach out to the sky
and dare God to give me peace.
If Missy were here, she’d cluck her tongue at me and tell me
without hesitation that I was being melodramatic. But how
could she know? She was never truly in love.
But I am. With a man who has opened me up to possibilities
beyond my imagination, making me believe. A man who has
turned a blind eye to my affections, however subtle. A man who
does not reciprocate.
It began slowly, quietly warning that something was wrong.
Mulder puttered around the office as usual, but had become
distant. He’d refrained from calling or dropping by on a whim,
choosing instead to only do so when he had a legitimate reason.
He was all-about-business.
Fool that I am, I didn’t suspect a thing. He got that way
sometimes. I’d always shrugged it off as his way of giving us
space.
Then the hushed phone calls began. I am not a stupid woman. I
could tell that the calls were of an intimate nature. At first I was
unhappy that Mulder would feel like he needed to sneak around,
to keep such things from me of all people.
Then he dropped the bomb on me, the one thing that I dreaded
the most; he told me that he had proposed.
It was like being punched in the gut. Absolutely the worst thing
I could’ve imagined – and it was too soon! He’d only known her
for a month. Didn’t anyone bother to really get to know people
anymore before dashing off to the altar?
I did the only thing I could do. I smiled at him, praying that he
couldn’t see through the thin attempt and swallowed hard,
congratulating him.
As the calls became more and more frequent, I began to feel
like an intruder. The phone would ring, Mulder would turn his
back to me and speak low, with a goofy grin plastered on his
face afterwards. It wasn’t long before I would simply leave the
office quietly, the constriction on my fragile heart too much to
bear.
I am ashamed to say that it was during these times I would hold
my head up high, in case I should run into another agent, and
stride confidently into the ladies room – where I would crumple
down to the floor of a locked stall and just cry. I cried until I
thought my head would split in two.
Thirty minutes, three aspirins and repeated splashes of cold
water on my face later and I was back in the office, well-
practiced composure in place. He never knew the difference,
never saw the red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes or the blotchy skin.
For that, I was simultaneously grateful and saddened.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I reached the snapping point about two months after his little
revelation. Despair had become my new best friend. It took up
residence in my tired soul and adhered to it like a great, life-
sucking parasite. All inclinations to be the proper and capable
woman that I’d always prided myself on being washed away
with the driving rain that beat steadily on the windows above
the office.
The phone rang – that’s all.
It was my undoing. Without a word, I stood abruptly and
grabbed my coat without bothering to see who it was. I didn’t
have to. The muffled laughter of my partner behind the closed
door told me all I needed to know.
I remember thinking how appropriately the weather matched
my mood as I walked out of the Hoover Building, shoulders
sagged and eyes downcast, looking nothing at all like Special
Agent Dana Scully, M.D. I doubt my own mother would’ve
recognized me at that point.
I wandered aimlessly for about an hour before finally ducking
into an upscale bar, looking sorely out of place with my
drenched hair and wilted appearance. The place was mercifully
empty, save for the odd pensive patron here and there. It seemed
that the weather was affecting more than just me. I sat down and
shed first my trench coat, then my blazer. About two hours
later, I was more than a little inebriated.
Which brought me to thoughts that I shouldn’t have tortured
myself with, but that assaulted me nonetheless. I imagined with
excruciating detail what she would look like. Would she be
blonde or brunette? Surely not a redhead. I’d never once seen
him check out a redhead in the entire seven years I’d known
him. I didn’t dare entertain the thought that he might be
interested in anyone bearing any sort of resemblance to me
whatsoever. It was from years of observation that I was able to
glean a rough idea of Mulder’s “type”. She would be beautiful
of course. Tall. Judging by his particular taste in entertainment,
she’d have a voluptuous figure and a generous cup size.
I felt so inadequate as I ticked off all the various characteristics
in my head, downing one Tequila Sunrise after another. I was
painfully aware that I had none of the physical traits that he
would be interested in. Sure, I knew my mind was a turn-on for
him. Clearly my body was not. Honestly, I thought that he loved
me too, that we were mutually waiting for the time to be right.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. It became obvious to me that
I was stuck in the “gal-pal” rut. Nothing more than the surrogate
kid sister. A fucking replacement.
That’s when my thoughts turned bitter. I cut the useless whiny-
baby act and quit feeling sorry for myself. Then I remembered
all the time I’d spent bawling on the floor of the basement
bathroom and began to feel a self-hatred unlike anything I’d
ever known.
I began to realize that all the times I returned to the office after
a fit of emotional turmoil went completely unnoticed. There
was a time that we were so in tune with each other, we could
sense when something was wrong just by the air in the room. I
left him in that office – our office, in which I had every right in
the world to be, without so much as an upward glance from his
lanky ass.
All I could think about was the sound of his laughter after I
stormed out of there.
“Fuck him.” I mumbled vehemently. Oddly, the statement
brought both feelings of guilt and relief all at once. Those two
little words lifted a bit of the weight that was dragging me
down. Just like that, the anger dissolved and I let myself
become sublimely numb.
“Man trouble?” a male voice inquired. I looked up sharply,
thinking that he’d found me there drowning myself and was
teasing me with one of his ridiculous impressions. But the face
that smiled down on me was not what I’d expected.
He was about 5’8 with brown hair and stunningly blue eyes. My
first thought was disappointment in the fact that it wasn’t my
partner. My second thought was here was an attractive man who
showed obvious interest in the damp and depressed woman
before him. I figured that I had absolutely nothing left to lose
and invited him to join me. Certainly my dignity was in shreds
already so what could it hurt?
His name was Aidan Broudy. He worked as a structural
engineer, divorced with no kids, dog named Gavin. He had the
sexiest Irish accent I’d ever heard, as he’d lived in Ireland until
just recently. His move to the States was a hard one. Severing
the ties had been difficult, as was adjusting to the way of things
here.
I began to relax and enjoy myself immensely. Aidan was an
amazing conversationalist, even if we *were* both bombed. He
complimented me and made me feel beautiful at a time when I
felt repulsive.
The next thing I knew, we were engaged in a passionate lip lock
in my apartment, grappling frantically with each other’s clothes
in an effort to shed them as quickly as possible. So impatient
were we, that we never even made it past the front door. I clung
to him desperately as one orgasm after another washed over me,
chasing away thoughts of love or Mulder. It was a welcome
moment of succumbing to the baser instincts, a state where
sloppy human emotion had no place. I was feral, animalistic.
It was the only peace I’d felt in three months.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I woke up on my couch – alone, at six in the morning. Aidan
must’ve thrown the blanket over me and gone home sometime
during the night. Glancing down, I saw a sheet of paper on the
coffee table.
A truly beautiful woman you are, Dana Katherine Scully.
I pray we meet again.
Yours,
Aidan
At the bottom was his cell number. Dropping the note back onto
the table, I struggled to get up and felt an icy wave of dizziness
overwhelm me, prickling my skin from the upcoming shock my
body anticipated. Rushing to the bathroom, I dropped to my
knees and violently heaved the contents of my stomach into the
toilet through bitter tears.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I finally know happiness. At first it feels a bit intimidating,
especially since I am quite the skeptic, although in no other area
than in matters of human nature. Questions of motive came into
play as I even began to doubt my own feelings.
Following closely are the inexplicable bouts of giddiness,
wherein your heart leaps in a manner that you can only
remember having experienced back in junior high school days.
Next comes the inevitable feeling of general bliss, saturating
and overwhelming your senses until you dare to believe again.
Believe in people, believe in love. You begin to resent the
shadows that once made up the essence of you, knowing with
absolute certainty that nothing and no one will ever be the same
again.
The colors of nature that once seemed so bleak and dull now
have a vibrancy that you can’t recall ever seeing before.
Uncharacteristic cheerfulness and joy surround you like a
blanket, enveloping you in its warmth, soothing the ache ever so
slightly and assuring you that, finally, you are not alone.
I feel I deserve this happiness, and that I deserve the source of
it. Stop the presses! Fox Mulder finally believes he is worthy.
Said source would be the beautiful and amazing Bianca
Stratford.
We met at a UFO convention that I never even bothered to
invite Scully to. She always declined anyway and to be honest, I
really wasn’t up for another rejection that weekend.
Anyway, Langly and Byers were off looking God knows where,
leaving me with Frohike who was shamelessly ogling a woman
seated next to me in the crowded makeshift lecture hall. I shot a
reprimanding look his way and prayed that she hadn’t noticed
the exchange. Unfortunately, she had and I shyly introduced
myself in hopes of smoothing things over. We hit it off
immediately, laughing and joking with ease. It was amazing to
meet such a beautiful, intelligent woman who shared my beliefs.
Let me tell you, the moment she turned and met my eyes in that
lecture room, my heart melted at the sight. Beautiful didn’t
describe her accurately. She was more like a goddess. Her
brown hair was accented with natural-looking, honey colored
highlights and fell in graceful curls to the middle of her back.
Long legs and perfect skin – everything I’d ever fantasized
about.
Well, everything I used to fantasize about anyway. I finally
reached my breaking point that weekend, no longer content to
be alone in this empty world, waiting foolishly for a woman
who would never allow herself to love me the way I loved her.
It wasn’t fair to either of us.
So, in that convention hall, surrounded by cheesy blow-up
aliens and an assortment of every sort of person imaginable, I
let go.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As crazy as it may seem, I was swept away by Bianca from the
word go. After a month of blissful romance, the sort which I
*never* thought myself capable of, we became engaged. And
the sex… The sex! It was fantastic, to say the least.
I must say though, throughout all of this I’d noticed a significant
change in my partner. She’d become withdrawn, sullen. Every
time the phone rang, she cringed. She thought I didn’t see the
rings under her eyes, that I was oblivious to the emotional roller
coaster that she was on but tried so hard to conceal.
The thing was, I had no clue what was wrong with her. I wanted
to reach out to her, to soothe her, but I got the sense that she
wanted to be left alone. That she needed her space. It was
frighteningly reminiscent of the cancer days and that scared the
hell out of me. However, I knew better than to push her. When
she was ready, she’d tell me.
It had been three months into the relationship. Bianca called to
ask me about my take on colors and reception hors d’oeuvres.
Scully jumped out the door like the place was on fire and didn’t
return. I worried about her immensely.
Something in her countenance had shifted, changed
dramatically. I knew she needed her dignity, but I thought it was
time to intervene.
Out in the parking garage, I noticed that although my partner
never returned, her car was still parked in the same spot as when
she arrived that morning. Panicked, I called her cell. For my
trouble, I received a curt “Not now” and I swore I heard a man’s
voice in the background before the line went dead. As much as
it annoyed me to hear my own words bounced back at me, I was
relieved to know that she was all right.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I arrived at Scully’s apartment at about six-thirty the next
morning. When knocking produced no results, I decided to err
on the side of safety and used my key. Walking cautiously
through the living room, I called out to her.
“Go ‘way, Mulder.” She grumbled from behind the closed door
of her bathroom.
Now, I knew that Scully was not the most congenial person in
the morning, but something was up.
“Scully? Are you okay in there?” I asked her. She had me so
worried when she didn’t reply that I pushed open the door to see
what was the matter. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the sight
that greeted me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Great. This is just what I need. I’m in the throes of a nasty
Tequila hangover and my partner is here for the floor show.
Stick around, Mulder! You ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen
your prim and proper partner spew chunks all over her pristine
toilet bowl. Jesus, was there no end to the humiliation?
“Oh, Scully,” he said once the heaving ceased. “Are we just
going to keep letting this thing go? When will you let me in?”
I couldn’t believe the audacity. *He* was the one who looked
pained. I scrambled to my feet and walked over to the sink,
avoiding his gaze as I smothered my toothbrush with toothpaste.
“Do you mind, Mulder? I’d really like a little bit of privacy, if
that’s okay with you,” I snapped. He looked like I’d just slapped
him and for a moment, I was glad. The feeling left rather
quickly though, leaving me feeling more tired than before.
His eyes bored through me, and I could swear he’d could see
right through to my soul. I didn’t want him to see me, didn’t
want him that close. I was disturbed and embarrassed by what
I’d become.
“Stop profiling me goddammit!” I demanded. He looked
infinitely sad, but finally turned to leave me in peace. I could
hear him moving around in the other room, but soon the sounds
of his curious snooping were drowned out by the pitter-patter of
the shower.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I should’ve been grateful that Mulder noticed my car was still at
work and went out of his way to ensure that I had a ride in. But
the tension was so thick in the car, it was nearly unbearable. I
couldn’t remember ever feeling that with him and it frightened
me. No matter how we disagreed, no matter what our
differences, it had never come to this before. Things were
changing, and I didn’t like it one bit.
The day passed in a haze, as I was nursing a serious headache.
Bianca called right after the two of them returned from their
customary lunch, which did nothing to ease my disposition.
Jesus! Couldn’t the woman spend ten minutes without him?
How can that not be annoying to him?
A mean and spiteful voice in my head answered for me.
“Because he’s in *love*, Dana. Has it been so long that you
don’t even remember anymore?”
I squashed EvilDana with a vengeance and reached for my
purse. Mulder was finally off the damn phone, so the line was
free and I wanted to do this before I lost my nerve. Headache be
damned, I dialed the cell phone number at the bottom of the
note that was left for me that morning.
His pain-laced voice answered, “Hello?”
I grinned in empathy for what was sure to be an excruciating
afternoon in light of our indulgence the previous night. At least
it sounded like he was able to stay home and sleep it off. I
wished I’d had the luxury.
“Aidan? It’s Dana.” I chanced a sideways glance to make sure
that Mulder wasn’t eavesdropping. He was engrossed in some
paperwork.
“Dana! Gracious, I didn’t expect to be hearin’ from you so soon!
How are ya?”
“I’m — well, not so great. I must’ve been quite a sight.”
He chuckled softly. “That you were, Dana. But not in the way
you imagine.”
I smiled in spite of myself. Sweet man. “Well, nevertheless, I’d
like to take you to dinner tonight, if that’s okay.”
“That would be lovely. Shall I pick you up later then?”
“Is seven okay?”
“Only if you promise no cocktails.” He chuckled again.
I agreed and hung up the phone. Thankfully, Mulder decided to
wrap up early and we both left around three, giving me ample
time to rest up a bit and prepare for the evening. By six forty-
five I was already set to go. I’d chosen a cobalt blue sheath dress
without sleeves or straps. It fell in a very subtle flare above the
knees and stretched tightly over my bosom. Although it showed
absolutely no cleavage, it was still an elegantly sexy number
that clung to every curve in the most flattering way. I
accessorized with a pair of diamond stud earrings and tousled
my hair into a mass of fiery curls.
Slipping on a pair of strappy heels, I answered the knock at the
door.
“Aidan, you’re ea–”
There stood Mulder, file in hand and mouth dropped to the
floor. “Mulder! What are you doing here? I’m expecting
someone.”
He pushed his way into the apartment and turned to stare openly
at me. Maybe he was shocked to see that under all those serious
suits I wore that I was actually a woman.
“Scully, you look amazing,” he said, his eyes full of wonder.
The unexpected compliment caused me to blush furiously.
“Thank you, Mulder.”
A moment passed with him just staring at me in a manner that
made my heart flutter wildly. God, what I wouldn’t give for that
intensity to be focused on me for real, not in a moment of
fleeting awe. The way *she* must feel it.
A second knock at the door went unnoticed by me. “You gonna
get that?” Mulder prodded gently.
I shook myself out of the trance and effectively broke contact.
“Aidan!” I exclaimed as I opened the door, perhaps a little too
exuberantly. He hugged me and offered me a bundle of roses
with a dazzling smile.
“Thank you, Aidan! They’re my favorite.” I excused myself and
put the cream colored blooms with hot pink tips into a crystal
vase.
Upon returning to the living room, I realized that I’d left the
room and never introduced the two men who were undoubtedly
uncomfortable. “Oh! Where are my manners? Mulder, this is
Aidan Broudy. Aidan, my partner, Fox Mulder.”
“How d’you do, Mr. Mulder,” Aidan extended his hand, which
Mulder readily accepted.
“Please, call me Mulder.” He told him. Mulder stared at him
darkly, sizing my date up much like an overprotective big
brother.
After a moment’s hesitation, Mulder spoke up. “Well, I should
be going. Bianca’s arranged a dinner for me to meet her parents
tonight. ‘Night.” He raised the file in departure and walked out
the door.
Aidan looked at me in much the same manner as Mulder had. It
was quite an ego boost. But then, I looked like a movie star
compared to the train wreck that I was the night before.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Guiding me with a gentle hand on my elbow into the restaurant,
Aidan and I took our seats at a table situated in the middle of
the room. The setting was not very intimate, which was
somewhat of a relief. We ordered and chatted over wine as we
waited. He told me about his boyhood in Ireland and the painful
divorce that was the driving force behind his relocation to
America. It turned out that he knew one of my second cousins
from Kerry and her husband. He tactfully avoided mentioning
the previous night.
We were so engrossed in our conversation that I didn’t think
about Mulder at all. Unfortunately, I eventually looked up.
And immediately wished I hadn’t.
Mulder strode in with a woman of about 5’7, smiling down at
her warmly as he led her into the room with a hand on the small
of her back. The gesture was so intimate, something I’d
associated with ‘us’. I’d never seen him touch another woman
that way and I have to say that it felt a lot like he was cheating.
Ridiculous, I know. But that’s how it felt.
His eyes widened in surprise as he caught sight of us. What
were the odds that we’d end up in the same restaurant on the
same night? Whatever they were, the fates seemed to have it in
for me.
The happy couple stood before us and polite introductions were
made. “Scully,” he took a deep breath and pointed his hands at
her like he was presenting the damned Nobel Prize. “This is my
fiancee, Bianca Stratford.” he beamed with pride. I wanted to
punch him.
Of course, she was exactly what I’d imagined she would be.
Tall, brunette. Legs up to there. Ample chest. Her perfect hair
was pulled back in an equally perfect, elegant twist at the back
of her head, wearing a perfectly professional (albeit short) black
skirt and pinstriped blouse with perfect accessories. Miss
Fashion Plate.
Not a hair out of place. Not a strayed line of makeup. She was –
perfect. Her eyes were the deepest shade of blue and she
seemed sincere as she offered her hand. “It’s so nice to finally
meet you, Dana. Mulder’s told me so much about you.”
He’d let Phoebe, Diana and Bambi call him Fox. I’m sure there
were others I’ll never know about, and I’m also certain they
would’ve called him Fox as well. This used to bother me until I
realized that the use of our last names was more intimate than
the use of our first. Something reserved for us only, as no other
woman he was close to was asked to call him by his surname.
Apparently I was wrong about that too.
They scurried off to their table as soon as our food arrived and
went about chatting with the future in-laws. I chanced a peek
here and there and was satisfied to see that Mulder was properly
uncomfortable.
I had wanted her to be a bimbo. I had wanted her to be less than
perfect for him. And it made me profoundly sad to find that she
was neither.
And I *grieved* for what I thought could’ve been, for what I
was so sure was mine.
Needless to say that despite the witty and charming
conversation that flowed between Aidan and I, it was a relief to
finally break out of there. When he pulled up to the front of my
apartment and told me what a wonderful time he’d had,
something inside me warned that as soon as he left, I would be
alone again. I didn’t want to face that, especially after the
encounter at the restaurant. I needed someone to remind me that
I was a woman.
“Aidan, would you care to take this conversation upstairs?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He knew just where to touch me, playing me like the taut strings
of a violin. As with the night before, the release was wild and
uninhibited. Aidan unleashed the savage in me.
“I know you’re in love with that partner of yours, Dana,” he
drawled in that brogue that drove me crazy as he pounded into
me. I was riding fast and hard on the tails of yet another orgasm.
“And that’s okay. I want you to be free, darlin’. Use me. We’ll
use each other.”
His words drove me right over the edge, fumbling headlong into
sheer bliss and dragging him along with me. It was strangely
comforting to be an object, nothing more than a vessel of
pleasure with no real emotions to guide you. An object, as he
was to me.
Six months passed this way. Months that thankfully turned my
battered soul into a numb thing. With Aidan, I chased the
demons of loss and betrayal with each thrust met, each heated
sob of ecstasy. Mulder had his believer, I had my incredibly
sexy substitution. And I hated myself for it.
Aidan and I met several times a week. We would take in a show
or have a nice dinner. It meant so much to both of us to have
someone to turn to in our sadness, someone that understood the
pain and had no expectations. We were both so broken.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I woke this morning after a particularly energetic romp grateful
that it was Saturday. The bed was cold and empty, but I pushed
these thoughts away and stretched out my aching limbs. I think
I drifted off until about ten before rising and showering.
The rest of the afternoon was spent at Barnes and Noble,
sipping on a Frappuccino and skimming over a couple of
women ’empowerment’ books, along with “Sex and the City” –
the basis for my favorite cable program. I let my mind drift as I
thought about the show and the women in it who reminded me
so much of my own friends. We used to sit around in a local
cafe after classes and gripe about relationships – or our lack
thereof in some cases, and compare horror stories.
After graduating from med school, the three of us continued to
meet every Saturday at this little Bohemian coffee shop
downtown. Sadly, not long after I started my work with Mulder
it all fell apart. I was rarely able to make it, so it was just Katia
and Viv most of the time. Eventually, we stopped trying to meet
altogether.
I paused over the page I was about to turn and reflected on this.
It pained me to know that I’d been responsible for that. The
work Mulder and I do is important, no doubt about that. But
once in a while you just need to *live*.
It was then and there I vowed to reclaim my life. It was okay
that I invited Aidan into my bed as a means of escape, that I
didn’t love him but gave myself to him just the same. I made
peace with this and with the intense guilt. If it was good enough
for a man, then by damn it was good enough for me. I could
remain detached, get what I needed and craved from the
arrangement and cut the strings whenever I felt like it. I decided
to buy those books, call my friends and for God’s sake, try to
get over Fox Mulder.
Time to stop following him around like a little lost puppy and
get a life of my own. Accept that his fiancee was beautiful, but
that I was beautiful in my own way, too. Accept things for what
they were – and for what they were not, and make a
concentrated effort to be as happy for Mulder as I know he
would be for me, were the roles reversed.
I felt a surge of empowerment rush through my weary body. I’d
drifted so far from myself that I barely even recognized the
vulnerable and pathetic woman I’d become. Those days were
over.
This was the day that I would begin living my life.
It may sound like pure lunacy, but I plunged head first into this
new attitude without a net. In other words, I went shopping. For
an engagement gift. I’d put it off long enough. It was a bit
difficult finding a gift that would suit both Mulder and a woman
I’d only met briefly, but I finally settled on a rather extravagant
mantle clock that caught my eye and had it wrapped, then
prepared to meet Aidan at his apartment.
Dressing carefully, I chose another dress similar to the one I
wore on our first date. This one was cut the exact same way, but
was seafoam green and had a cord-like belt that hung loosely
around my waist, clasped together by a silver buckle of sorts.
Checking my hair, which I had pulled into a low and curly
ponytail, I headed for Mulder’s place to drop off the gift.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The sound of the slamming door reverberated through my head.
What did she want? For us to marry only to find out five years
down the road what a terrible mistake it was?
Things had been deteriorating for a while. We began to argue
over the pettiest of things and resorted to childish gibes to get
our points across. Then would come the worst part- the frantic
sex.
Every time, it would come to this. And it very quickly became
the only way we could bring ourselves to make amends. The
communication we’d had in the beginning was completely gone.
We were focusing on each other’s faults and shortcomings
rather than behaving like two people who loved each other. All
would be forgotten after a quick and furious fuck on the floor.
Not lovemaking. That would be a falsehood. No, it was
screwing each other senseless, plain and simple. I could no
longer bear to live like that. It would be like the worst kind of
lie.
Despite my rationalizations and my being the one to call it all
off, I still ended up brooding in my living room in the wake of
Bianca’s fury.
A soft tapping at the door startled me out of my bout with self-
pity and I crossed the floor to open the door thinking it was
Bianca, back for round two.
All I knew was that I was in no mood to deal with her any
further. Imagine my relief and surprise when I found Scully at
my door.
She looked beautiful. Amazing in a way that no other woman
could ever hope to match. And her inner beauty was just as
stunning.
“Hey, Mulder. Can I come in?” she asked, balancing a brightly
wrapped box and a little purse as I stupidly stared at her,
blocking the entrance.
I told myself to snap out of it and replied, “Always. Here, let me
help you with that.” She looked at me gratefully and handed the
package over.
“New rug?” she arched an eyebrow in question and it occurred
to me that I hadn’t seen that gesture in months. I ached for the
lost time.
“Um, yeah. Got it about two months ago.” Jesus. Had it been
that long since she’d been in here? A quick tally in my head
answered in the affirmative.
I went to the kitchen and snagged a bottled water for her and a
beer for me, then joined her on the couch. We enjoyed the first
companionable silence since this whole mess began.
I was the one to finally break the quiet. “So Scully, what gives?
I don’t think it’s my birthday.”
She chuckled lightly and it was like a balm on my soul. God,
how could I have been so blind? How did I ever think I could
love anyone else?
“It’s an engagement gift, goofball.” She elbowed me playfully.
“But you really should wait to open it until you’re with Bianca.”
I could see the effort it took to mention her name, that she was
trying valiantly to put up a supportive front – and I loved her all
the more for it.
I looked down at my hands and told her the news softly. “I hope
you kept the receipt, Scully. We just called it off.”
She gasped in disbelief. “Mulder, no. Oh, I’m so sorry.” She
pulled me into her embrace, comforting me.
“It’s okay,” I mumbled against her bare shoulder as I drank in
the smell of ripe peaches on her skin, rubbing my face against
the silkiness of it. “We’ve been drifting apart for a while now.” I
pulled back and explained the whole thing to her, none too shy
about relaying the details to my best friend. She looked at me
with sadness in her eyes and took both of my hands into her
own.
“It’s awful, Mulder. God, when will you ever just catch a
break?” The emotion in her words knocked me flat on my back.
She was sincere, but then I’ve come to expect no less from her. I
could see in her eyes, no matter how hard she tried to hide it,
that she was hurting too, but her primary concern was still for
me. It was then that I knew without a doubt that she was in love
with me too.
“It’s really okay, you know.” I reassured her. “I think she was
more indignant about the split than she was hurt. It was almost a
using situation, Scully. I could never be with a woman like
that.”
There was a flicker of panic in her eyes that scared me. I
wondered what it could mean.
She looked down suddenly at the tiny silver watch on her wrist
and jumped up. “Oh no! I’m sorry, Mulder. I’m kind of late for
this – thing.” She flashed me an apologetic smile and I assured
her once more that I was fine, then scooted her out the door.
It took all the willpower I possessed not to dwell on the fact that
she was obviously late for a date.
The silence that followed her departure was deafening, cold and
unbearable. Was she serious about this guy? Maybe since my
engagement, she felt like she could finally stop worrying about
me and move on. Maybe she’d resent me for it, but I had to
know. I’d wasted far too much precious time procrastinating as
it was.
Tossing on my leather jacket, I rushed over to her apartment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Standing in Aidan’s living room, I told him that I couldn’t
continue this pathetic charade any longer. He was disappointed,
naturally, but understood that it was a condition of our
arrangement that there would be no strings. I knew I’d miss him
– he was a truly kind man. But the situation wasn’t healthy for
either of us.
After an awkward goodbye, I made a beeline for the only place
in the world I wanted to be, by the side of the only man I’ve
ever truly wanted – to where I belonged.
I knocked on Mulder’s door for ten minutes before pulling out
my key and letting myself in.
Empty.
Panic surged through me with lightening quick speed as one
thought repeated itself over and over in my mind; I’ve ruined
everything.
And it was true. He needed me and I ran off. My motives were
of no significance – he’d gone back to Bianca. I was as sure of it
as I ever was of anything.
It was a somber drive back home, but one filled with reflection.
I retracted my earlier promises to myself. What had happened to
my self-esteem, my sense of self worth? Mindless sex among
virtual strangers might be good enough for most men, maybe
even good enough for most women. But it was not good enough
for me. I realized that it just wasn’t who I am. I *would* get in
contact with the girls as soon as possible and *not* lose touch
again. Relationships are important and shutting yourself off will
only hurt you in the long run.
As for Mulder, I would only be lying to him and myself if I ever
tried to make a go of a relationship with another man without
first telling him how I feel. After all we’ve been through, I felt it
was only fair to be completely honest in *all* aspects of my
life. No more “I’m fines” to watch him pretend not to be hurt by.
And if he didn’t want the same, if he didn’t *feel* the same, then
I would survive. And then I would move on.
The self-examination calmed me and I felt lighter somehow as I
walked slowly up the steps to my building and let myself into
my little sanctuary. The lights were all off, even though I was
sure I’d left a table lamp on.
Coldness gripped me. Instinctively, I reached for my gun and
cursed inwardly when I realized it wasn’t there.
“Do you love him?” a voice in the darkness asked softly.
I let out a breath as soon as I recognized the owner. “Jesus,
Mulder. You scared the life out of me!”
“Do you love him?” he repeated, with unmasked emotion.
“No,” I told him firmly. “No, I don’t.”
I swear I heard him sigh in relief. “What’s this all about?” I
asked gently.
There was a slight swoosh of the chair cushion as he rose in the
moon-drenched room and I tracked him as he stalked toward
me.
He grabbed hold of my bare shoulders tightly and looked into
my eyes, searching wildly. “What is he to you?”
The pained, desperate look in his eyes made me want to cry.
Before I could censor my words, the first, honest answer
tumbled from my lips. “A replacement.”
Remembering the vow I’d made to myself not five minutes
before, I willed my heartbeat to return to a normal cadence. This
was what I wanted to do after all, and I needed more than
anything to be truthful.
That simple statement was apparently all he needed to hear. In
one smooth motion, he closed in the last few inches between us
and captured my mouth with his, warmly and expertly
delivering an explorative, full-bodied kiss that set my belly on
fire. Tingles of excitement raced up and down my spine as he
broke contact from my lips and trailed a series of hot, open-
mouthed kisses up and down my sensitive neck and throat.
He was devouring me alive. Pressed between the rock-hard
body of my partner and the unforgiving coolness of my living
room wall, I learned what it was like to truly surrender yourself
to passion. Nothing with Aidan was even close to this. With
him, it was a mutual race to the finish line, taking as much from
each other as humanly possible. But with Mulder, I felt like I
was giving myself over to him, as he was giving himself to me.
I wound my fingers through his dark hair as he nibbled and
tugged on my earlobes with his teeth, sparks of pleasure
rocketing through my hypersensitive body from the sensations
and his hot breath in my ear.
His exploration of my upper body turned more frantic and he
slid his hands up my dress to impatiently fumble with my
zipper, shaking hands impeding his progress. Before I knew it, I
was down to my panties and welcoming the onslaught of his
luscious lips doing the most amazing things to my breasts. His
large hands caressed them tenderly as he nibbled and nipped at
the sensitive tips and I found myself wondering if could he
smell me, if he could tell how completely soaked I’d become for
him.
For the first time, I noticed his erection pressing insistently
against my stomach, demanding attention for itself.
He released my aching nipple with an audible pop and bent to
strip off the panties that had become another hindrance to his
quest. I stepped out, but leaned up on my tiptoes to conquer his
lips as thoroughly as he’d conquered mine, wildly and deeply
blazing my way into his mouth and soul. I realized that I wanted
nothing in the world more than to feel his bare skin against
mine, that I would go crazy if I didn’t have what I wanted.
Breaking contact only minimally, I yanked his pants and boxers
down in one frantic swoop and turned us around. Now he was
the one pressed up against the wall as I licked and stroked every
available inch of his body. His shirt was added to the wrinkled
pile of our clothing on the floor and I nipped at his chest,
savoring the taste of his skin and laving his defined pecs with
my tongue.
I took him by surprise when I dropped to my knees and flicked
my hot tongue across the tip of his penis, alternating the action
between there and the frenulum. The sounds that emanated from
deep within his chest were deliciously intoxicating and I found
myself greedily lapping at him just to hear them again. Finally, I
took the length of him into my mouth, setting up a rhythm
where I massaged his shaft between my tongue and the roof of
my mouth and sucked while simultaneously bobbing my head
up and down. His deep growls were exquisite.
Strong hands grasped my arms and pulled my to my feet.
“Jesus, baby. You gotta stop.”
I looked up into his dark, hooded eyes which I knew reflected
the desire in mine. With another searing kiss, he turned us back
around. Pinning me against the wall once more, he bent slightly
to lower his hand to my throbbing clitoris, teasing it with
feather-light caresses and flicking at it at random intervals.
Then he plunged first one, then two fingers into my eager
entrance, never stopping the assault to my pulsating bundle of
nerves.
I was dying, I was sure of it. I needed him inside me so badly, it
made me whimper with want. “Please, Mulder.” I pleaded in a
breathy voice that I barely recognized. The man had reduced me
to a puddle already and he hadn’t even really begun.
He shook his head slowly in response, eyes locked with mine.
“Wanna watch.”
It was my complete and utter undoing. Every particle of my
being splintered into shards as the most frighteningly intense
orgasm I’d ever experienced hit me. I always knew it would be
intense with him, but I never imagined in a million years it
would be like losing your mind.
But he wasn’t through with me, not by a long shot. I writhed
against the wall, head tossing back and forth as he fell to the
floor and drank in my release, lavishing pleasures so incredible
on my sex that it bordered on pain. Wave after wave washed
over me, rendering me helpless against his skillful ministrations
and holding me suspended in ecstasy.
I’m sure my heart stopped in those excruciatingly long
moments. Finally, I had to make him stop. It was just too much.
I slumped against his sweaty form and slowly returned to my
senses, limp from the powerful aftershocks that still shuddered
through my body. Looking up almost shyly into his eyes, I
smiled in appreciation.
He stared at me intently, with a reverence that touched me
deeply. Never had I seen such a look in any of my lover’s eyes
before. “You’re so incredible, baby.” He muttered in earnest.
I have to say, I used to be firmly opposed to demeaning pet
names like that, but coming from his mouth, it was an amazing
turn-on. Before I could tell him that he wasn’t so bad himself, he
hoisted me up against the wall. I had to wrap my legs around his
waist and lock ankles above his perfectly toned ass just to
simply remain in place. He groaned in response.
After a moment of maneuvering, he was finally, finally inside
me. It was the most beautiful, amazingly spiritual thing I’d ever
experienced. He buried himself deeply within me and I gasped
at the sheer size of him. I hadn’t quite expected to be filled so
completely.
Mutually agreeing to remain still, we absorbed the perfection of
the moment, savoring it and committing it to memory as our
pulses raced. Then slowly, we began a rhythm, moving in
perfect synchrony, as coordinated and in tune with each other as
we were in every other aspect of our relationship.
We sped up as the need outweighed the desire to make it last,
grasping at each other frantically and hanging on for dear life as
we used muscles for balance that had rarely been used before.
Erratically, he pumped into me at just the right angle and we
came together in a violent and shuddering climax.
Sliding bonelessly together in a tangled heap next to our
clothing, we held on to each other’s slick body and tried to catch
our breath.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nearly fifteen minutes had passed and still she remained silent.
I was hoping that wasn’t a bad sign.
“I have to say, Mulder, that wasn’t exactly how I’d always
pictured it would be for our first time together.”
I looked at her curiously. Was she disappointed? “I’m intrigued,
Agent Scully. How did you always picture it?”
She blew at an errant strand of copper hair that had escaped the
band at the nape of her elegant neck. I stroked her hips with my
thumbs as she rested naked, encircled in my arms, content in
our post-coital bliss.
She smiled seductively up at me. “Well, don’t get me wrong.
That particular scenario played out in more fantasies than I care
to admit. But not for the first time.”
I was rapt. “Scully!” I said, pretending to be shocked and
amused. “You *fantasized* about us?” She shot me a
murderous glare, which I returned with my very best leer. “So,
was it in a seedy motel room in the middle of Hicksville or on
my desk?” In the pool of moonlight where we rested I could see
her blush.
“Well,” she began calmly, “I had hoped that it wouldn’t finally
come to a head in the office or out in the field.”
She slapped at me playfully as I grinned lasciviously at her. “I
just always pictured it either in your bed or mine. Tender.
Sweet. A little awkward at first, but not lacking passion. Did…
Did you ever imagine it?” Her uncertain sweetness brought
tears to my eyes.
“Hmmm….” I pretended to be deep in thought. She turned and
propped herself up on one elbow, narrowing her eyes at me.
“Mulder!” she squeaked out. I can be so mean sometimes.
I laughed softly. “Only about a hundred times a day.” She rolled
her eyes at me.
I wondered at just how natural and unselfconscious we both felt,
naked on the floor of her apartment with legs still entangled as
if we’d been lovers for years. It was difficult to believe that only
a few hours ago I was an engaged man.
I know I should’ve been satisfied with Scully’s simple
explanation of the nature of her relationship with that Irish guy –
what was his name? Aidan? But I suddenly felt the undeniable
need to know more.
“Scully? What was he to you?”
The question threw her off guard.
“Mulder, we’ve discussed this already.” She looked
uncomfortable, and God knows I didn’t want to scare her off.
But I needed to understand it.
“No, I mean *what was he to you*. What are you so afraid to
tell me?” Her eyes dropped from mine as she fiddled with the
hem of my discarded shirt. This wasn’t good. What could she
have to say that was so terrible she couldn’t even meet my eyes?
Maybe I was being selfish.
“Forget it,” I told her. “It’s none of my business.”
She looked up sharply. “It is your business, Mulder.” Her voice
dropped to a mere whisper, “Everything about me is your
business.” At this, she offered me a tight smile and took a deep
breath. “He was recently divorced. I met him in a bar,” she
looked at me through her eyelashes, ashamed. I squeezed her
upper arm quickly in reassurance and prompted her to continue.
“Well, I was feeling – horrible. About life. Everything. We
started talking and hit it off really well. I guess I’d had a little
too much to drink.” She paused and chuckled. “Okay, *way*
too much to drink.
“Anyway, long story short, from that night on we met
frequently. It was pathetically sad, actually. Neither of us could
deal with our loss, so we took what we needed from each other
and agreed not to get emotionally involved.”
*That* shocked the hell out of me. Never did I think I’d see the
day that Dana Scully would resort to casual sex. Well, maybe
that once, but everyone’s allowed a slip once in a while. It made
me wonder what had pushed her to that point – which loss
finally drove her to it? There were so damn many, and my name
was indelibly engraved on every one of them.
“Scully, what could’ve been so terrible that you would do this to
yourself?”
It was so self-destructive, so completely unlike her. What in the
world must she have been thinking? I thought I had a pretty
firm grasp of the ideals she held dear, but this threw me for a
loop. Something had happened while I wasn’t looking to make
her so vulnerable, to make her abandon those ideals.
She sighed wearily, looking down again as she spoke. “Mulder,
I just- I don’t know what it is that we have here. Nothing’s been
established. I’m not sure what you want-”
I couldn’t believe that after what we’d just done, she still wasn’t
sure what she means to me. Did she really think I was capable
of taking advantage of her?
Okay, I told myself, calm down. I gave her a minute, patiently
willing my doubts and fears to subside. Suddenly, she looked up
and stared unwaveringly into my eyes. “I thought I’d lost you,
Mulder. There was just nothing left for me anymore. With
Aidan, there was a way to dull the edges – for both of us.”
Seeing the pleading look in her glistening eyes, I began to
understand the full impact of what was going on. For the second
time that night, I wondered how I could’ve been so blind. She’d
been wilting right in front of my eyes, sliding further and
further away from who she was and all she held sacred. And the
source of her despondency was me. God, I didn’t deserve her.
I took a moment to digest all of this, the weight and impact of it.
Probably a little too long. “I’ll understand if you want to go-”
she began, rising.
I yanked her back down to my side. “I never want to go, Scully.
None of that matters to me. *This* is all that matters.” I
squeezed her tightly to punctuate my point. “And I’m so sorry,
Scully. So sorry.” She bit her lip, still looking so unsure. My
little skeptic.
“Since you’ve been so honest with me, I think it’s only fair that I
reciprocate.” Her eyes widened and it made me want to hold her
and soothe the pain I’d caused for the rest of our lives. “I
thought I was in love with Bianca, but that was only after I gave
up the hope that it would ever happen with us.”
I cupped her beautiful face gently, wanting her so badly to
understand. “Don’t you see, Scully? She was a replacement too.
I tried so hard to be in love with someone that wasn’t you and I
only ended up failing miserably. Failing *us*. There’s only you,
Scully. There can only be you.”
She smiled a full, toothy smile, a rare gift indeed. I could drown
in those smiles, write sonnets and paint masterpieces about
those incredible treasures. So I’m a sap. What do you want? I’m
in love.
“Only us, Mulder. All I want is us.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~EPILOGUE~
I have tasted pure joy. It’s an intoxicating and heady elixir,
doled out in generous quantities by the man who I was first
afraid to love, then forbidden to love. Now we belong to each
other, minds melded as completely as our bodies. I finally have
contentment. The colors have returned and the rain has spent
itself, leaving in its wake the intense vibrancy of the most
beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen. They echo the colors of my
soul.
~THE END~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author’s Notes: Eternal thanks to my amazing beta, Mimic, for
all your patience and encouragement. Thanks to you, I was able
to laugh at my mistakes rather than stress over them! I would’ve
*never* made it without you!
This story is dedicated to Cassie, The Sponge, without whom I
would never have found fanfiction. I’m forever in your debt for
giving me this wonderful gift. And also to the incredibly
talented writers that continue to provide this gift, never allowing
Mulder and Scully (and company) to fade into the past. Thank
you.