Archive: Gossamer and Ephemeral – NO. I will submit directly myself
Spoilers: Nothing specific. Set between Existence and The Truth
Disclaimer: Characters within were created by CC. No infringement intended.
Summary: Sometimes it only takes the small things to make it all come back to you.
Author’s Note: For Sallie, who gave this vignette a soul.
This afternoon, I encountered a woman wearing your perfume. She smiled as we passed on the sidewalk.
It was a simple thing, really, but it unleashed a flood of memories that brought me to my knees, dissolving my pretense of strength and resolve.
I remembered the way you hum in the back of your throat, the sound barely audible, as you take your first bite of cake; the way you savor the flavor of your wine. I recalled your exact method for dissecting a salad, carefully quartering the tomato wedges and cucumbers, picking out the onions if there were too many before sprinkling it with a precise amount of vinaigrette. It’s almost an eccentricity, the way you do this. One of the little things about you I’ve come to love.
Vividly, I saw in my mind the way you smack your lips gently when you wake in the morning; the way sunlight streamed through your hair the thousands of times we stood outside a suspect’s house. At those times I liked to think the sun was made only for you, to make the copper strands dance with life, to enhance your beauty. And sometimes I’d selfishly imagine that maybe – just maybe, the sun was created for me, so that I could see you in all your brilliance.
Perhaps it was a challenge. It was never easy to concentrate on my words, when I was privileged to gaze at you in that light, glowing golden. You never knew that, did you? How hard it was to speak at all when my mind wanted to focus only on how incredibly amazing you looked.
I miss the taste of your sweet mouth, the salt of your skin as I nibble it gently, my tongue sneaking out to sample your flavor. I need the feel of you in my bed, surrounding me with your warmth, and healing me with your unconditional love. I can’t look into the sky without recalling the liquid blue of your eyes, staring up into mine, or focused on a book.
When was the last time I indulged in the simple pleasure of walking by your side, silently taking in the scenery on a spring day? How long since we looked up at one another, knowing, as the answers to a case just – fell into place?
These things, all these seemingly mundane things, suddenly overwhelmed me on that sunny sidewalk in that nondescript town. It hurts so much to think I might never see you again, that our son may never know me as anything but a photograph. More terrifying than the prospect of dying for this cause, is the knowledge that you may never know for sure. Will you think that I’ve changed my mind, that it all became too much and I chose a different path, leaving this old one behind me? Will you go to your grave, never knowing if I was killed for my single-minded pursuit of the truth?
No, we’re connected, soul to soul, forever. You’d know. You’ve always known when it came to me. You knew that day when I couldn’t bear the distance between us another minute, and I risked it all for a few stolen moments. You looked so beautiful in that simple dress, the gauzy fabric swirling softly around your legs in the breeze as you pushed our son in his stroller. You sensed my presence that day; I’m as sure of it as I am of my own name. You’ll sense me forever, just as you always have.
I swallowed the bitter tears that threatened to spill over. They have no place in our happy memories. Walking faster, I put all my energy into moving forward. It feels like an end may be in sight, and if I hurry, I can finally make it happen. Armed with sheer will, I’ll fight to find closure.
Give Will a kiss for me, Scully. I’ll be home soon.
~ The End ~